| | recently.. a few things have been constantly plaguing my mind.. corrrection: wat little bit of my mind that's left if any.
weirdly.. whenever i think about these topics.. such things come up:
'those were the days' (by mary hopkins) , peter pan, old songs in
general, .. and i somehow can't remmeber all of a sudden but i swear
they've been stuck in my head for the longest time.
it's reallie quite weird how such irrelevant yet slightly related things just pop into my head so fast = =.
a few days ago, i went back to pg and quilchena to visit some teachers
with gubbie. pg apparently was out already so psh that. but when
we went to quilchena, (although they diiiid have a carnival that day so
we wouldn'tve seen the ppl i wanted to see anyways), apparently my
favorite people had all left all of a sudden for a new school. to
many people, it's a comon thing.. like.. i dont care? so? elementary?
why would i go back? kinda thing. but to me it's a bigger shock
somehow. infact, being told that they left, i was put from a
relatively good mood.. down to the dumps. even playing on swings
wasn't fun that day. infact, all it did was bring back nostalgic
memories of my grandparents which made me happpy but even sadder at the
same time. it was then that i thought of mary hopkins' song,
'those were the days'.
next, the other day i went to i thikn coles for a peek and happened to
find cheap chheap novels.. *cough*peterpan**cough*wizardofoz*cough*...
i went into a phase of obsession that was most likely led by jealousy
now that i think about it. i came to be quite jealous of peter
pan and the lost boys. even hook, smee and the rest of the crew
to be honest. why do they get to stay in never never land and not
have to grow up? why do they get to have so much fun? (of course, while
i'm thikning this,, i woudln't think about how fortunate i am myself..
because i'm being jealous =P) ... so i went into a state of.. ERK-ness
if you knw what i mean.
as to what led me to even start comparing with peter pan?... post
grad. does anyone know wha they're up to post grad? i thought i
did. i didnt for the longest time.. but then... i thought i got it. i
reallie did. but once again, i think i underestimated life and
what it brings--problems, problems, and more problems. and
thinking about these problems.. it somehow.. and i wont mention how...
relates to my dad. (not to mention... when will i ever grad
anyways? i'm losing site of what i'm supposed to do)
this brings back a topic a while back durin winter break. i was
super extremely pissed at my dad for something he said and the time,
place, reason, way he said it. i reallie was quite upset.
the most important part of the convo (at least to put here)... would be
the part where he told me 'cant you just not talk? everything you say
is so pointless and bad to the ear! since i've been back, i've heard
nothing good from you! 'say a sentence less'!!" i was so upset, i
decided.. fine. i'll take it literally and i stopped talking to him for
a few days. i wasn't extremely cut off or anythig.. just i
wouldn't start. i decided i'd tell him 2 things. 1 that i wanted him to
know what he said was over the line. and 2 you're the one who told me
to 'stop talking' so dont expect me to start talking to you now'.
it's not like i wanted him to apologize, but its not like thefirst time
he's said something along those lines, and this time it was just
harsher, the tone of it and every other aspect of it.. they were all
very harsh and it felt like.. he meant for me to shut up and get out of
his face.
what i didn't realize though, was that he would only notice the part
that i'm not talking to him and that he would misinterpret it as i'm
'mad' at him. he therefore was in a grumppier mood than he
already was and so when i finally decided to talk again(still within
the same day) he said the same thing again. this time.. iwas just
like.. fuck this. and i stopped reallie talking to him for days.
normally, i try to talk to him or do something with him when he's home,
but this time i dind't want to at all. it felt like a whole month
had passed within those days. however, it was because of this
irresponsible act of mine, that i felt very ashamed of myself.
not only did i not realize it, but mom had to point it out to me.
i guess it's always been a bit obvious that i'm not tooo cllose to my
dad, but i guess not talking to him made it a bit too exaggarated or
something.. but mom had been trying to tell me 'that's your dad no
matter what and you shoudn't stay mad at him' every time i said
soethign like 'i'm still mad about ____' when i'm realie not mad, i
just dont like what he did and wanted to complain a little. But
as my mom was outside of this argument, she finally told me the entire
thing about why he was anal even when i started talking again
etc. for this i felt so ashamed and pissed at myself i almost
cried. i never meant to make my daddie unhappy. i just wanted him
to realize. yet i know that's over now, but i'll remember, that
what i did, was irresponsible, selfish, and immature.
for the past 2-3 weeks, i've thought of myself as inconsiderate to the
extreme. i've been bothered by a few other things on top of it,
and i've been lost again. not only do i feel ashamed of myself, i
feel selfish, self-centered and immature. childish vs
immature. i'd choose childish, but i've been immature and i'm highly
ashamed of myselft.
as well, my goal after grad... is to go to cal inst of arts for
animation. the problem though, is how much it'sgonna cost. due to
reasons i wont state why, i feel that it isn't fair for me to ask for
my parents to support me financially through this. i know they
probably would. but just knowing that is enough. i'm happy with knowing
just that. but for them to support me through this, they'd have
to give up too much and it's just not fair. and plus, it's not
like its a stable field. what if it doesnt' work out? tons of
questions pop through my head and lately, i've decided to upgrade my
goal. originaly it was to work and saveup for whatever that i can pay
off for post grad myself. but now i'm thinking.. its time for me to
find a full time wheni grad. i'm gona need to work hard and save
up all i get and then go for cia. but you know? i have a feeling
its' over 7000 a sem. not to mention supplies and all, how the
HELL am i supposed to earn enough to get me through another
bachelors? things like this.. wont leave me alone...
there's still so much going on in my head... just so much... though i'm
sure. everyone else prolly has just as much if not more.. .. but just,
so much.
|
| | Posted 2/27/2008 2:58 AM - 42 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
